It’s been exactly a year since my mom went home. God’s home actually. I know some of you were shocked na you wanted to ask me what really happened (because the odds just gave her 5 months to face that battle) but refused to ask because I might cry while telling you the reason why but really, it’s okay. You can ask me so I can share how brave my mom was.
So I made it (somehow). I’ve passed a year without me seeing her face, hearing her voice, feeling her touch and just me not having her here. Grief is like an inescapable maze. People around you will tell you to just accept things, be strong and forget, because it will make you decrease the pain you’re having faster but trust me ignoring the pain makes it worse. Just release everything. Cry if you feel like you have to. Shout or talk to someone (talk to God) if you feel like you needed to. Moving on means accepting things but always remember that accepting is way different than forgetting. You can move on while keeping the memory of the things you lost or the things that happened. It may also help you to be the stronger version of you.
Waking up every day knowing that she’s gone is my worst enemy. It Feels like I’m trapped in a room. A room full of tears, a room full of questions, a room that has no music to listen to, a room that has no light to see and it feels suffocating. Tears won’t stop falling even if it feels like I have no tears to shed anymore. She used to sleep beside me days before she left. I can’t even describe how hard it is to pretend na I’m already asleep and cry on a silent mode whenever I hear her whisper “Pagod na ako, ayoko na” every night. She thought I’m already asleep but I’m not, and then next day she’ll pretend na she’s okay and tell everyone na she will fight and will never give up on fighting (syempre for us to feel better). Seeing my mom’s last breath is so painful, I used to describe my day as a nightmare. A nightmare where I wanted to wake up but I can’t because I don’t have to….because this is the reality. I have to live with it forever.
But I made it. I laugh, I smile. I am living my life on how it should be. I am repainting the faded rainbow I have with a smile on my face. Letting God, family and friends to re paint it with me while listening to the songs that saved me from my silent world. Thinking she’s happy, she’s free from the pain and she’s home helped me to be okay. It gave me so much hope and realized that I am not alone. Dealing with the loss of someone will always give us an unexplainable emotions. You just have to let it go and move forward but don’t force yourself. Trust me, It will take time. Grieving is always there to punch you but you’ll just have to find your way to survive from its conflicting and unexplainable feeling. Allow the grieving process. Allow yourself to be happy and embrace the life that has given to you.
Hi Ma, it’s been a year. I love you and miss you every day. 💗🌻