My first love – Papa

Scary, Snob, serious and strict  – that’s how my friends describe you (first impression).

  Scary?  Kinda? Or Is it just because I am afraid to disappoint you. You are definitely not a snob, but your serious appearance makes you look like one. 100% strict but that’s how you discipline us and I am thankful for it.

I’ve been known as the most kill joy person (by my friends) that existed in this world. Why? Well, it’s just because whenever I have getaways with my friends I have to let him know days before the day of our getaway (you are not a real friend of mine if you don’t know this). He also have to know who I am with and where exactly the place of our getaway. He is actually the main reason why I have load. I have to let him know if I am on my way home or if I’ll extend hours for work and If I did extend my stay at the office, he will ask me why do I have to? and until what time I’ll be staying in the office.

I am not really the type of friend who is into “Biglaang-lakad”. It really depends.

He always insist of picking me up or giving me rides even if it’s on my way to the office or attending parties.

When he stayed in GUAM, I still do ask permission when I go out with friends.

Yup, welcome to my life..

How come you’re not a rebel?” tons of people asked me this… but why would I? Glad that I am not. I’m really used to how my life goes. That’s how they raised me (us). I am thankful for this kind of parenting style to be honest.

So thank you Papa for having you as my Father, for giving everything for us to live, for sacrificing just to have our needs, for your patience and learning, for always being at our side in this roller coaster ride we are in, for always putting us first (along with Mama) after God and for everything.

I just wish to find a man like you, your love for mama is so unconditional that made my standards high. You had doubts on taking job offers just to take care of her when she was ill because you wanted yourself to take care of her instead of seeing anyone to do that job you said its yours. That no huge amount of money can ever replace Mama. If I’ll describe more your love for Mama in this blog I think it will took me years to finish this.

Words can’t describe how thankful and lucky I am to have you. I don’t know what am I going to do with myself If i don’t have you and Mama. Thank you Papa. I love you, always will.

 

 

 

A letter to the guy I almost Had

Dear You, 

   Hi, how are you? It’s been years, I know huh. It’s been years since that day where a text message from you changed everything. Funny how they still ask me some what ifs. Funny how they keep on telling me that our story would be an inspiring one. Funny because I keep on telling them to move on… to move on to the things that didn’t even happen.

I remember when someone asked me if I got mad at you? or If I am still mad at you..? I won’t lie, I did hated you years ago. I hated you for leaving, for leaving me with whys, what ifs and maybes. I hated you for promising that you’ll still be the same you and you’ll still be there for me. I hated you bigtime, because you didn’t. You acted the other way. It felt like I’m just a wall. It felt like I’m invisible. It felt like we’re strangers. I hated you so much for not telling me that I’m in a race where the first one who’ll reach the edge will win your heart and I hated myself years ago for praying and hoping that you’ll come back and realize that I am the one for you. I hated myself for imagining how happy my life would be if we’re together. I hated myself for having these illusions that I know eventually will stuck as my daydream.

Having those what if moments years ago, I wish I never met you. I wish I can recall and talk about love to others without me having ungrateful thoughts, what ifs, buts and maybes. I wish I can listen to some songs without me remembering you. I wish you’re not the only story I could tell. 

But No worries, that was me years ago.

So how did I moved forward? How did I moved forward to the things that didn’t even happen. I just reminded myself that God saved me. God saved me from an almost relationship where two different worlds are not meant to be collided. 

But still, thank you. Thank you for those moments we’ve had. Those laughter we’ve shared. I know, my story on your book has ended years ago so I’m sorry, I’m sorry for you will still be the story that I could tell to everyone. I’m sorry for there’s still no one after you. I wish our story on my book fades and replaced with a different one. A different story that has no ending.

 …..

 

Her on the clouds

Verse:

It’s been months since you went to His paradise 

I still hear the sound of your last breath

still remember those last words you said
Refrain:
Oh, i’m sorry if I may have let you down

I’m sorry for the times I made your face frown
Chorus:

Thank you for cheering me up

for telling me not to give up

Thank you for hearing my stories whether it’s lame, funny or it makes you worry.

It broke our hearts when we lost you

but I know you’ll be there watching us while you lay on the clouds.
Verse:

I still feel the warmth of your embrace

I still feel your hands intertwined in mine

still can paint and show the world the glow of your smile
(Repeat Refrain)

(Repeat Chorus)
Bridge:

You are the missing piece in my puzzle that no on can ever fits

I try to hide these tears when I hear your name

’cause the pain is always the same
(Repeat chorus)
I miss your laugh

I miss your smile

I miss your kiss 

and the times we watch movies together
You can rest now

’cause you’re an angel now

You can rest now

’cause you’re my angel now.
………………………………………..

I wrote a song for my mom who passed away last August 2016 due to lupus and pneumonia. It was very difficult not just for me but also for my family to live without seeing her presence anymore. But we always remind ourselves that even if we can’t see her we know that she’s here watching us and guiding us always.That she’s already up there, in her real home, with God and the other angels above. Happy Mother’s day Ma. I know that you already know how I love and miss you. ♥

Click the link for the audio: https://soundcloud.com/knyza/on-the-clouds-original

“Don’t get attached” 

It’s so sucks and at the same time great to meet someone who you can easily connect with. Like, You have the same likes and dislikes. You always have something to talk about, to the point where you both have this habit of talking to each other for like almost every day and every night. But we have to be prepared and ready for change is really constant and some things are temporary. One sided expectations will destroy you.You’re like way too tired of experiencing things like these where people will show how they care for you and how they are always there for you but eventually things may change for we can’t control the fate. Sooner or later people you are used to be with will may not be there for you anymore. Tough Questions to answer like, What happened? Am I not good enough? What did I do? will pop in your head all over again.

Sucks to think that you always remind yourself to don’t get attached to someone easily for like the nth time because it’s for the “NTH TIME” but you’re still doing it. Why? Oh it’s Because we can’t control what we feel. Basta, We just can’t.

But they say, try to learn not to get attached to people easily, idk if we can learn it. Or maybe we should just overthink so it will not hurt us bigtime if they go. (Idontknowtho) kasi People come and go? 

But if they stayed, be thankful to have that someone who chose to stay (no matter how hard and difficult you are to be with) 

2016: Roller coaster ride

   Goodbye 2016, thank you for that crazy and weird roller coaster ride experience. It’s like i’ve been riding on a crazy roller coaster straight from January up until December and still riding it but in a low key mode. 2016 has been the year full of ups and downs, loneliness, joy, laughter and mostly pain. It’s like I don’t have any umbrella with me when God showered all the different kinds of challenges each person has to face, so that’s why it feels like i caught them all. 
   

   2016 has been the year where I used a lot of tissues just to wipe the tears on my face. The year that taught me how to cry even if im in public places. But it is also the year where i learned a lot of things in life. It taught me how to do things on my own, to let me decide on things without the help of others (bc i always depend on my mom whenever i feel undecided). To be more independent and act as a mature adult. To smile and be happy even though it’s hard for me to carry this heavy baggage full of emotions. To fight and never give up even if im tired of fighting.

   2016 has been the year where doors of amazing opportunities welcomed me. Opportunities that helped me forget how sad and lonely I am. Met new friends who made my introvert self (kinda) be outgoing even just for a little while. Simple things like being noticed by the person you admire for years and made you feel kilig even though it hurts to admit that things like this will pass and temporary, for change is really constant and things you imagine is really impossible. But anyway, it has been a weird year that I can’t believe I faced everything and still here alive and kicking despite of depression and pain.

   Thanking God and all the people I am with in this whole journey. Thanking those who didn’t gave up on me, listening to my thoughts, cheering me up, making me happy despite of everything. For believing that I can do it even if I cant. Thank you, I owe everyone a lot.

   Now that 2017 has just arrived. I cant promise but I will try my best to be better, to forget the pain and just be happy and positive. To face every challenges that God will give me with a smile on my face. 
   I have to accept, no scratch that, me and my family will have to accept that the flow of this coaster we are all into is going to be different, way different. We will ride on this coaster together and be used to it’s flow until forever. 

   Happiest new year to you, thank you for spending your time reading this stuff I wrote. May God bless and guide us forever. 
Cheers for 2017! 

A letter to the guy I Admire for years now (Pt 2)

Dear You,
   

   As I scrolled back to our conversations, I just realized that It’s been months since the first time you randomly said Hi (virtually) that made my heart explode and yelled my heart out because you really see my existence in this world. I’m not really into having conversations with others for I am too lazy and suck at getting in touch with everyone but with you, i don’t want to end it. It’s like I can talk to you all day, all night 24/7. You didn’t made me regret having sleepless nights.  

     2016 has been a crazy year for me. You are one of the people who made me forget how lonely I am. For making me feel better by saying that we should be always okay after I told you that im okay (with me using the kahit papano words). For making me feel kilig by telling me that the one who will win my heart will be so lucky for I am way too different with the other girls. For telling me to stop being mean to myself. For you not getting fed up having lame conversations with me. For seeing my existence. 

    Until the day when Late night conversations with you has randomly ended. I wonder why things changed. It’s just sucks that things change when I’m already used to it. Why is it always like this? That sometimes I just wish you didn’t said hi and see my existence. Thinking maybe, i really do suck at having conversation with people. So silly that I keep telling my friends that I am in a process of moving on to the things that didn’t even happened. 

   But still I wanted to say thank you, because being noticed by you really made me feel kilig and special even though it hurts to admit that things like these will pass and temporary for change is really constant. That things like these will remain as my illusions and daydreams and things I imagine are really impossible. 

    I somehow wish that the percentage of my feelings for you will decrease (for it’s been five years and counting) and your portion in my heart fades but I will not force myself to unlike you. I’ll just let the fate do it even if it kinda suck and amazing (at the same time) to be stuck in a box filled with you. 

Yours truly,

Me

panandaliang kilig

Pinaramdam lang niya sayo kung paano kiligin.

Kaya matulog ka na

wag ka na magpuyat 

Wag ka na magpuyat kakahintay sa taong alam mong wala ka namang mapapala.

Sa taong susulpot tapos mawawala.

Kasi tapos na.. 

tapos na ang trabaho mong magbigay oras sakanya.

Kasi may kausap na siyang iba 

Kasi option ka lang niya kapag walang wala na siya

Kasi hindi ka na niya ulit kilala

Kasi tapos na ang trabaho niya na sanayin ka para sa huli hahanap hanapin mo siya

Nagwagi siya

Kasi hinanap mo siya

Hinanap mo ang taong alam mong di na muling magpapakita

Kaya Tanggapin mo na

Dapat sanay ka na

Na ganito ka

Na ikaw lamang ay isang suki ng panandaliang kilig.