A year in Paradise 

It’s been exactly a year since my mom went home. God’s home actually. I know some of you were shocked na you wanted to ask me what really happened (because the odds just gave her 5 months to face that battle) but refused to ask because I might cry while telling you the reason why but really, it’s okay. You can ask me so I can share how brave my mom was.
So I made it (somehow). I’ve passed a year without me seeing her face, hearing her voice, feeling her touch and just me not having her here. Grief is like an inescapable maze. People around you will tell you to just accept things, be strong and forget, because it will make you decrease the pain you’re having faster but trust me ignoring the pain makes it worse. Just release everything. Cry if you feel like you have to. Shout or talk to someone (talk to God) if you feel like you needed to. Moving on means accepting things but always remember that accepting is way different than forgetting. You can move on while keeping the memory of the things you lost or the things that happened. It may also help you to be the stronger version of you. 

 

Waking up every day knowing that she’s gone is my worst enemy. It Feels like I’m trapped in a room. A room full of tears, a room full of questions, a room that has no music to listen to, a room that has no light to see and it feels suffocating. Tears won’t stop falling even if it feels like I have no tears to shed anymore. She used to sleep beside me days before she left. I can’t even describe how hard it is to pretend na I’m already asleep and cry on a silent mode whenever I hear her whisper “Pagod na ako, ayoko na” every night. She thought I’m already asleep but I’m not, and then next day she’ll pretend na she’s okay and tell everyone na she will fight and will never give up on fighting (syempre for us to feel better). Seeing my mom’s last breath is so painful, I used to describe my day as a nightmare. A nightmare where I wanted to wake up but I can’t because I don’t have to….because this is the reality. I have to live with it forever.

 

But I made it. I laugh, I smile. I am living my life on how it should be. I am repainting the faded rainbow I have with a smile on my face. Letting God, family and friends to re paint it with me while listening to the songs that saved me from my silent world. Thinking she’s happy, she’s free from the pain and she’s home helped me to be okay. It gave me so much hope and realized that I am not alone. Dealing with the loss of someone will always give us an unexplainable emotions. You just have to let it go and move forward but don’t force yourself. Trust me, It will take time. Grieving is always there to punch you but you’ll just have to find your way to survive from its conflicting and unexplainable feeling. Allow the grieving process. Allow yourself to be happy and embrace the life that has given to you. 

 

Hi Ma, it’s been a year. I love you and miss you every day. 💗🌻

 

 

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A letter to the guy I almost Had

Dear You, 

   Hi, how are you? It’s been years, I know huh. It’s been years since that day where a text message from you changed everything. Funny how they still ask me some what ifs. Funny how they keep on telling me that our story would be an inspiring one. Funny because I keep on telling them to move on… to move on to the things that didn’t even happen.

I remember when someone asked me if I got mad at you? or If I am still mad at you..? I won’t lie, I did hated you years ago. I hated you for leaving, for leaving me with whys, what ifs and maybes. I hated you for promising that you’ll still be the same you and you’ll still be there for me. I hated you bigtime, because you didn’t. You acted the other way. It felt like I’m just a wall. It felt like I’m invisible. It felt like we’re strangers. I hated you so much for not telling me that I’m in a race where the first one who’ll reach the edge will win your heart and I hated myself years ago for praying and hoping that you’ll come back and realize that I am the one for you. I hated myself for imagining how happy my life would be if we’re together. I hated myself for having these illusions that I know eventually will stuck as my daydream.

Having those what if moments years ago, I wish I never met you. I wish I can recall and talk about love to others without me having ungrateful thoughts, what ifs, buts and maybes. I wish I can listen to some songs without me remembering you. I wish you’re not the only story I could tell. 

But No worries, that was me years ago.

So how did I moved forward? How did I moved forward to the things that didn’t even happen. I just reminded myself that God saved me. God saved me from an almost relationship where two different worlds are not meant to be collided. 

But still, thank you. Thank you for those moments we’ve had. Those laughter we’ve shared. I know, my story on your book has ended years ago so I’m sorry, I’m sorry for you will still be the story that I could tell to everyone. I’m sorry for there’s still no one after you. I wish our story on my book fades and replaced with a different one. A different story that has no ending.

 …..

 

2016: Roller coaster ride

   Goodbye 2016, thank you for that crazy and weird roller coaster ride experience. It’s like i’ve been riding on a crazy roller coaster straight from January up until December and still riding it but in a low key mode. 2016 has been the year full of ups and downs, loneliness, joy, laughter and mostly pain. It’s like I don’t have any umbrella with me when God showered all the different kinds of challenges each person has to face, so that’s why it feels like i caught them all. 
   

   2016 has been the year where I used a lot of tissues just to wipe the tears on my face. The year that taught me how to cry even if im in public places. But it is also the year where i learned a lot of things in life. It taught me how to do things on my own, to let me decide on things without the help of others (bc i always depend on my mom whenever i feel undecided). To be more independent and act as a mature adult. To smile and be happy even though it’s hard for me to carry this heavy baggage full of emotions. To fight and never give up even if im tired of fighting.

   2016 has been the year where doors of amazing opportunities welcomed me. Opportunities that helped me forget how sad and lonely I am. Met new friends who made my introvert self (kinda) be outgoing even just for a little while. Simple things like being noticed by the person you admire for years and made you feel kilig even though it hurts to admit that things like this will pass and temporary, for change is really constant and things you imagine is really impossible. But anyway, it has been a weird year that I can’t believe I faced everything and still here alive and kicking despite of depression and pain.

   Thanking God and all the people I am with in this whole journey. Thanking those who didn’t gave up on me, listening to my thoughts, cheering me up, making me happy despite of everything. For believing that I can do it even if I cant. Thank you, I owe everyone a lot.

   Now that 2017 has just arrived. I cant promise but I will try my best to be better, to forget the pain and just be happy and positive. To face every challenges that God will give me with a smile on my face. 
   I have to accept, no scratch that, me and my family will have to accept that the flow of this coaster we are all into is going to be different, way different. We will ride on this coaster together and be used to it’s flow until forever. 

   Happiest new year to you, thank you for spending your time reading this stuff I wrote. May God bless and guide us forever. 
Cheers for 2017! 

A letter to the guy I Admire for years now (Part 2)

Dear You,
As I scrolled back to our conversations, I just realized that It’s been months since the first time you randomly said Hi (virtually) that made my heart explode and yelled my heart out because you really see my existence in this world. I’m not really into having conversations with others for I am too lazy and suck at getting in touch with everyone but with you, i don’t want to end it. It’s like I can talk to you all day, all night 24/7. You didn’t made me regret having sleepless nights.

2016 has been a crazy year for me. You are one of the people who made me forget how lonely I am. For making me feel better by saying that we should be always okay after I told you that im okay (with me using the kahit papano words). For making me feel kilig by telling me that the one who will win my heart will be so lucky for I am way too different with the other girls. For telling me to stop being mean to myself. For you not getting fed up having lame conversations with me. For seeing my existence.

Until the day when Late night conversations with you has randomly ended. I wonder why things changed. It’s sucks when things change when I’m already used to it. Why is it always like this? That sometimes I just wish you didn’t said hi and see my existence. Thinking maybe, i really do suck at having conversation with people. So silly that I keep telling my friends that I am in a process of moving on to the things that didn’t even happened.

But still I wanted to say thank you, because being noticed by you really made me feel kilig and special even though it hurts to admit that things like these will pass and temporary for change is really constant. That things like these will remain as my illusions and daydreams and things I imagine are really impossible.

I somehow wish that the percentage of my feelings for you will decrease (for it’s been five years and counting) and your portion in my heart fades but I will not force myself to unlike you. I’ll just let the fate do it even if it kinda suck and amazing (at the same time) to be stuck in a box filled with you.

Yours truly,

Me

To the best mom.

“Wag ka ng umiyak, tanggapin mo na. Malulungkot siya kapag ganyan ka”. 
People always remind me to stop crying or that I don’t need to wake up from this nightmare I’m into because this is the reality, i have to accept things and be fine. Minsan naiisip ko na people are just telling that to me kasi they are not in my shoes And still here I am, nodding to every single words they say. Smiling to everyone around me. Telling them to stop worrying because I am fine. they are all right naman, how will she rest if nakikita niya kaming depress? But you know, I am still in the process of making things better for me. Still in a process of decreasing the percentage of pain and loneliness in me. Atleast, there is a progress or I must say atleast i’m in a “process”.  

There will be a lot of firsts, there will be a lot of changes. First time to celebrate any events, without us tasting the meal you’ve cooked for us. No, this is actually an everyday struggle for Papa to think what meal to serve everyday. To go on a Christmas shopping is harder than I thought, because every year I’m just waiting for you to choose the stuff you want while I push the cart in every corner of the store. Buying clothes and other stuff without me hearing your thoughts about it before I pay to the counter. There will be a lot of these and if I list those other firsts, it will took me forever just to finish this. Oh wait but the hardest part is, me not seeing your face anymore, me not hearing your voice and thoughts about my lame stories, like everyday you always wait for me to go home because you know I have lame stories to tell. And me not kissing your cheek before I greet you a Happy Birthday. 
Every year, i always roam around the mall days before your birthday just to look for the perfect present but you always tell me, that we are the best gift you had and you will be having forever. 



Don’t worry If you still see me cry while you are up there, don’t worry if i still call your name while hugging my pillow. I just miss you that’s all. Just hug me and pat my back coz I know things will be fine, it will take time but i will be fine.  



This will be our first time to celebrate your day without your presence here but I know it is more fun to celebrate it in a stress free environment and ofcourse with God and the other Angels above. 
Happiest Birthday to the best Mom.

Words can’t express how thankful I am to be your daughter. I miss you Mama. 
I love you and I will never stop loving you. 💕

what’s on my mind #4 

I know, I promised. I promised, I won’t cry anymore. I’m trying but it is really hard. I thought I can do it. I thought it will be easy. I thought i’m already okay.

I miss you.

I know, us being lonely will make it hard for you to be okay there. But please for now, stop putting others first before you. Don’t worry if we are lonely. Don’t worry if we still shout your name. Don’t worry if we still cry .We just miss you, that’s all.

 Just hug us whenever you see us lonely. That even if we cant see you, i can assure you that we can feel it. 

We will be fine Ma, dont worry. It will just take time to heal this pain. But we will be fine. We are going to be fine. 

I love you and miss you, Mama. ❤️🙂❤️

A Letter to the guy I admire for years now.

Dear You,

Hi, it’s been what, five years? Five freakin years of having illusions and daydreams that someday you might see my existence and feel the same way like how I feel about you. But how? we just know each other but we haven’t talk that much. You made my school years extraordinary even though the chance of seeing you  is really out of the blue that makes me more kilig because you’re from different department which is far from mine. I admire how kind, family oriented, Sporty, God fearing and witty you are. You are the epitome of the ideal guy (my ideal guy) that every girls dreamt of having.

I still remember the first time I saw you. I didn’t expect that you really do caught my attention. I don’t even know who you are before. Eventually, found out  you’re in a relationship to someone you met since idk. Who am I to compete? You didn’t even know I existed way back then. Until the day she left. I was there hiding behind the trees looking at you when there are no stars seen in your sky, when your heart fell asleep and broken. There are times that I was always in front of you but unfortunately, I was invisible to you.

Until the day You virtually noticed me. you made me feel alive that I wanted to yell my heart out that this guy knew I exist! You even made my day a special day for saying Hi and giving me a chance to atleast had a small chat with you. I still remember the day where you thanked me for receiving the best praise you had at that moment.

I know, these illusions in my head will hurt me but at the end of the day being hurt always has its role on everything and I’m still honored and flattered that you’ve been part of my life and for making me kilig even in the simple things you did for me. And even if I had no portion /space in your heart you will always have a portion in mine. This is a fairytale story of mine about liking you that has no ending not unless my heart gave up and your portion on it fades.
Love,

Me.
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