It’s been exactly a year since my mom went home. God’s home actually. I know some of you were shocked na you wanted to ask me what really happened (because the odds just gave her 5 months to face that battle) but refused to ask because I might cry while telling you the reason why but really, it’s okay. You can ask me so I can share how brave my mom was.
So I made it (somehow). I’ve passed a year without me seeing her face, hearing her voice, feeling her touch and just me not having her here. Grief is like an inescapable maze. People around you will tell you to just accept things, be strong and forget, because it will make you decrease the pain you’re having faster but trust me ignoring the pain makes it worse. Just release everything. Cry if you feel like you have to. Shout or talk to someone (talk to God) if you feel like you needed to. Moving on means accepting things but always remember that accepting is way different than forgetting. You can move on while keeping the memory of the things you lost or the things that happened. It may also help you to be the stronger version of you.
Waking up every day knowing that she’s gone is my worst enemy. It Feels like I’m trapped in a room. A room full of tears, a room full of questions, a room that has no music to listen to, a room that has no light to see and it feels suffocating. Tears won’t stop falling even if it feels like I have no tears to shed anymore. She used to sleep beside me days before she left. I can’t even describe how hard it is to pretend na I’m already asleep and cry on a silent mode whenever I hear her whisper “Pagod na ako, ayoko na” every night. She thought I’m already asleep but I’m not, and then next day she’ll pretend na she’s okay and tell everyone na she will fight and will never give up on fighting (syempre for us to feel better). Seeing my mom’s last breath is so painful, I used to describe my day as a nightmare. A nightmare where I wanted to wake up but I can’t because I don’t have to….because this is the reality. I have to live with it forever.
But I made it. I laugh, I smile. I am living my life on how it should be. I am repainting the faded rainbow I have with a smile on my face. Letting God, family and friends to re paint it with me while listening to the songs that saved me from my silent world. Thinking she’s happy, she’s free from the pain and she’s home helped me to be okay. It gave me so much hope and realized that I am not alone. Dealing with the loss of someone will always give us an unexplainable emotions. You just have to let it go and move forward but don’t force yourself. Trust me, It will take time. Grieving is always there to punch you but you’ll just have to find your way to survive from its conflicting and unexplainable feeling. Allow the grieving process. Allow yourself to be happy and embrace the life that has given to you.
Hi Ma, it’s been a year. I love you and miss you every day. 💗🌻
Goodbye 2016, thank you for that crazy and weird roller coaster ride experience. It’s like i’ve been riding on a crazy roller coaster straight from January up until December and still riding it but in a low key mode. 2016 has been the year full of ups and downs, loneliness, joy, laughter and mostly pain. It’s like I don’t have any umbrella with me when God showered all the different kinds of challenges each person has to face, so that’s why it feels like i caught them all.
2016 has been the year where I used a lot of tissues just to wipe the tears on my face. The year that taught me how to cry even if im in public places. But it is also the year where i learned a lot of things in life. It taught me how to do things on my own, to let me decide on things without the help of others (bc i always depend on my mom whenever i feel undecided). To be more independent and act as a mature adult. To smile and be happy even though it’s hard for me to carry this heavy baggage full of emotions. To fight and never give up even if im tired of fighting.
2016 has been the year where doors of amazing opportunities welcomed me. Opportunities that helped me forget how sad and lonely I am. Met new friends who made my introvert self (kinda) be outgoing even just for a little while. Simple things like being noticed by the person you admire for years and made you feel kilig even though it hurts to admit that things like this will pass and temporary, for change is really constant and things you imagine is really impossible. But anyway, it has been a weird year that I can’t believe I faced everything and still here alive and kicking despite of depression and pain.
Thanking God and all the people I am with in this whole journey. Thanking those who didn’t gave up on me, listening to my thoughts, cheering me up, making me happy despite of everything. For believing that I can do it even if I cant. Thank you, I owe everyone a lot.
Now that 2017 has just arrived. I cant promise but I will try my best to be better, to forget the pain and just be happy and positive. To face every challenges that God will give me with a smile on my face.
I have to accept, no scratch that, me and my family will have to accept that the flow of this coaster we are all into is going to be different, way different. We will ride on this coaster together and be used to it’s flow until forever.
Happiest new year to you, thank you for spending your time reading this stuff I wrote. May God bless and guide us forever.
Cheers for 2017!
As I scrolled back to our conversations, I just realized that It’s been months since the first time you randomly said Hi (virtually) that made my heart explode and yelled my heart out because you really see my existence in this world. I’m not really into having conversations with others for I am too lazy and suck at getting in touch with everyone but with you, i don’t want to end it. It’s like I can talk to you all day, all night 24/7. You didn’t made me regret having sleepless nights.
2016 has been a crazy year for me. You are one of the people who made me forget how lonely I am. For making me feel better by saying that we should be always okay after I told you that im okay (with me using the kahit papano words). For making me feel kilig by telling me that the one who will win my heart will be so lucky for I am way too different with the other girls. For telling me to stop being mean to myself. For you not getting fed up having lame conversations with me. For seeing my existence.
Until the day when Late night conversations with you has randomly ended. I wonder why things changed. It’s sucks when things change when I’m already used to it. Why is it always like this? That sometimes I just wish you didn’t said hi and see my existence. Thinking maybe, i really do suck at having conversation with people. So silly that I keep telling my friends that I am in a process of moving on to the things that didn’t even happened.
But still I wanted to say thank you, because being noticed by you really made me feel kilig and special even though it hurts to admit that things like these will pass and temporary for change is really constant. That things like these will remain as my illusions and daydreams and things I imagine are really impossible.
I somehow wish that the percentage of my feelings for you will decrease (for it’s been five years and counting) and your portion in my heart fades but I will not force myself to unlike you. I’ll just let the fate do it even if it kinda suck and amazing (at the same time) to be stuck in a box filled with you.
I know, I promised. I promised, I won’t cry anymore. I’m trying but it is really hard. I thought I can do it. I thought it will be easy. I thought i’m already okay.
I miss you.
I know, us being lonely will make it hard for you to be okay there. But please for now, stop putting others first before you. Don’t worry if we are lonely. Don’t worry if we still shout your name. Don’t worry if we still cry .We just miss you, that’s all.
Just hug us whenever you see us lonely. That even if we cant see you, i can assure you that we can feel it.
We will be fine Ma, dont worry. It will just take time to heal this pain. But we will be fine. We are going to be fine.
I love you and miss you, Mama. ❤️🙂❤️
This year has been i dont know. I can’t even explain how these things go. It’s been a weird, crazy and a year full of ups and downs. It’s like I’ve been riding in a weird roller coaster since forever. I am upset and amazed at the same time on things i’ve encountered these past months. Awful things happened. Alot of Opportunities are entering. Knowing that 2016 isn’t over yet. Things may still happen whether it’s a good one, a challenging one or an awful one. Who knows?! Not all stuff we receive is an amazing one. Awful and challenging things come because God wants us to learn and be better. Only God knows which path or what path are you going to take. Every lane you passed by or will be passing by has its own purpose, sometimes we just need to figure everything out. 🌞
My life these past weeks have been i dont know. It has been an emotional, crazy and weird. My blog’s title is opposite to what I post here. Trust me, no one will ever love to be a part of my life, to ride on a coaster im into. Even I, i dont even know how I handled these things by myself. How I managed to smile and laugh in front of everyone? Am I really good at pretending? People around me don’t have any idea how heavy these shits i have in my life. I am so tired. I wanted to break down but I still strive to not to because i still have goals to reach and make my parents proud. I have friends to talk to but I don’t feel like sharing these stuffs to them. The only one I am comfortable to tell every shits I have in my life besides God is my mom.I wish she’s still here tho. I just want to be invisible and escape this reality even just for a day. I am tired, really tired. I dont know if i still have tears left to cry. I am depressed. Really depressed.