To the best mom.

“Wag ka ng umiyak, tanggapin mo na. Malulungkot siya kapag ganyan ka”. 
People always remind me to stop crying or that I don’t need to wake up from this nightmare I’m into because this is the reality, i have to accept things and be fine. Minsan naiisip ko na people are just telling that to me kasi they are not in my shoes And still here I am, nodding to every single words they say. Smiling to everyone around me. Telling them to stop worrying because I am fine. they are all right naman, how will she rest if nakikita niya kaming depress? But you know, I am still in the process of making things better for me. Still in a process of decreasing the percentage of pain and loneliness in me. Atleast, there is a progress or I must say atleast i’m in a “process”.  

There will be a lot of firsts, there will be a lot of changes. First time to celebrate any events, without us tasting the meal you’ve cooked for us. No, this is actually an everyday struggle for Papa to think what meal to serve everyday. To go on a Christmas shopping is harder than I thought, because every year I’m just waiting for you to choose the stuff you want while I push the cart in every corner of the store. Buying clothes and other stuff without me hearing your thoughts about it before I pay to the counter. There will be a lot of these and if I list those other firsts, it will took me forever just to finish this. Oh wait but the hardest part is, me not seeing your face anymore, me not hearing your voice and thoughts about my lame stories, like everyday you always wait for me to go home because you know I have lame stories to tell. And me not kissing your cheek before I greet you a Happy Birthday. 
Every year, i always roam around the mall days before your birthday just to look for the perfect present but you always tell me, that we are the best gift you had and you will be having forever. 

Don’t worry If you still see me cry while you are up there, don’t worry if i still call your name while hugging my pillow. I just miss you that’s all. Just hug me and pat my back coz I know things will be fine, it will take time but i will be fine.  

This will be our first time to celebrate your day without your presence here but I know it is more fun to celebrate it in a stress free environment and ofcourse with God and the other Angels above. 
Happiest Birthday to the best Mom.

Words can’t express how thankful I am to be your daughter. I miss you Mama. 
I love you and I will never stop loving you. 💕


what’s on my mind #4 

I know, I promised. I promised, I won’t cry anymore. I’m trying but it is really hard. I thought I can do it. I thought it will be easy. I thought i’m already okay.

I miss you.

I know, us being lonely will make it hard for you to be okay there. But please for now, stop putting others first before you. Don’t worry if we are lonely. Don’t worry if we still shout your name. Don’t worry if we still cry .We just miss you, that’s all.

 Just hug us whenever you see us lonely. That even if we cant see you, i can assure you that we can feel it. 

We will be fine Ma, dont worry. It will just take time to heal this pain. But we will be fine. We are going to be fine. 

I love you and miss you, Mama. ❤️🙂❤️

I wonder

Have you ever wonder being someone’s ideal person?
Wondering if there’s someone who looks at you like how a prince looks at his princess
Thinking if there is someone who thinks of you most of his time.
That someone who is waiting for you to notice them like how you wait for your favorite person to notice you back.
Like you, reacting to one of his post on his social media will really make his day.
Like You, making someone happy effortlessly without you even noticing it.
Have you ever wonder having that person who is grateful for your existence (eventhough you have no idea if this person you are wondering exists)
That despite of every flaws you have, for his eyes you are still perfect.

what’s on my mind #3

     This year has been i dont know. I can’t even explain how these things go. It’s been a weird, crazy and a year full of ups and downs. It’s like I’ve been riding in a weird roller coaster since forever. I am upset and amazed at the same time on things i’ve encountered these past months. Awful things happened. Alot of Opportunities are entering. Knowing that 2016 isn’t over yet. Things may still happen whether it’s a good one, a challenging one or an awful one. Who knows?! Not all stuff we receive is an amazing one. Awful and challenging things come because God wants us to learn and be better. Only God knows which path or what path are you going to take. Every lane you passed by or will be passing by has its own purpose, sometimes we just need to figure everything out. 🌞

A Letter to the guy I admire for years now.

Dear You,

Hi, it’s been what, five years? Five freakin years of having illusions and daydreams that someday you might see my existence and feel the same way like how I feel about you. But how? we just know each other but we haven’t talk that much. You made my school years extraordinary even though the chance of seeing you  is really out of the blue that makes me more kilig because you’re from different department which is far from mine. I admire how kind, family oriented, Sporty, God fearing and witty you are. You are the epitome of the ideal guy (my ideal guy) that every girls dreamt of having.

I still remember the first time I saw you. I didn’t expect that you really do caught my attention. I don’t even know who you are before. Eventually, found out  you’re in a relationship to someone you met since idk. Who am I to compete? You didn’t even know I existed way back then. Until the day she left. I was there hiding behind the trees looking at you when there are no stars seen in your sky, when your heart fell asleep and broken. There are times that I was always in front of you but unfortunately, I was invisible to you.

Until the day You virtually noticed me. you made me feel alive that I wanted to yell my heart out that this guy knew I exist! You even made my day a special day for saying Hi and giving me a chance to atleast had a small chat with you. I still remember the day where you thanked me for receiving the best praise you had at that moment.

I know, these illusions in my head will hurt me but at the end of the day being hurt always has its role on everything and I’m still honored and flattered that you’ve been part of my life and for making me kilig even in the simple things you did for me. And even if I had no portion /space in your heart you will always have a portion in mine. This is a fairytale story of mine about liking you that has no ending not unless my heart gave up and your portion on it fades.


what’s on my mind? #2

My life these past weeks have been i dont know. It has been an emotional, crazy and weird. My blog’s title is opposite to what I post here.  Trust me, no one will ever love to be a part of my life, to ride on a coaster im into. Even I, i dont even know how I handled these things by myself. How I managed to smile and laugh in front of everyone? Am I really good at pretending? People around me don’t have any idea how heavy these shits i have in my life. I am so tired. I wanted to break down but I still strive to not to because i still have goals to reach and make my parents proud. I have friends to talk to but I don’t feel like sharing these stuffs to them. The only one I am comfortable to tell every shits I have in my life besides God  is my mom.I wish she’s still here tho. I just want to be invisible and escape this reality even just for a day. I am tired, really tired. I dont know if i still have tears left to cry. I am depressed. Really depressed.

what’s on my mind? #1 

Thoughts: Hi Ma, can you help me forget the moments happened inside the isolation room? Can you help me forget that day, that one whole day of pain and sufferings you’ve encountered. That massive headache you had last March changed our lives instantly, 5 months lang!? Na parang the odds gave you 5 months to fight. But on a positive side, Atleast you didn’t suffer for years. I always thought that moving on is easy, i used to laugh at those people who keep on saying na moving on is hard but fudge it is hard, really hard. We always remind ourselves to be happy, because it might give you a hard time to be happy there in His arms everytime you see us lonely and upset. I miss my bestfriend, i dont have someone to talk to and tell all my secrets Lol. I know you’re listening to me everytime I tell stories to the walls I have in my room but sucks I dont receive any feedback from them Haha. I miss you Ma. Sobra 🤗😚