A Letter to the guy I admire for years now.

Dear You,

Hi, it’s been what, five years? Five freakin years of having illusions and daydreams that someday you might see my existence and feel the same way like how I feel about you. But how? we just know each other but we haven’t talk that much. You made my school years extraordinary even though the chance of seeing you  is really out of the blue that makes me more kilig because you’re from different department which is far from mine. I admire how kind, family oriented, Sporty, God fearing and witty you are. You are the epitome of the ideal guy (my ideal guy) that every girls dreamt of having.

I still remember the first time I saw you. I didn’t expect that you really do caught my attention. I don’t even know who you are before. Eventually, found out  you’re in a relationship to someone you met since idk. Who am I to compete? You didn’t even know I existed way back then. Until the day she left. I was there hiding behind the trees looking at you when there are no stars seen in your sky, when your heart fell asleep and broken. There are times that I was always in front of you but unfortunately, I was invisible to you.

Until the day You virtually noticed me. you made me feel alive that I wanted to yell my heart out that this guy knew I exist! You even made my day a special day for saying Hi and giving me a chance to atleast had a small chat with you. I still remember the day where you thanked me for receiving the best praise you had at that moment.

I know, these illusions in my head will hurt me but at the end of the day being hurt always has its role on everything and I’m still honored and flattered that you’ve been part of my life and for making me kilig even in the simple things you did for me. And even if I had no portion /space in your heart you will always have a portion in mine. This is a fairytale story of mine about liking you that has no ending not unless my heart gave up and your portion on it fades.
Love,

Me.
5.29x

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what’s on my mind? #5

Have you ever been in a situation where you ask yourself, where did my appetite go? or yung feeling na you’re so hungry pero you’re too lazy to have meals. Weird noh, kasi who doesn’t love food? hahaha. Pero these past few weeks, i’ve been thinking kung ano nangyayare sakin. Yes, i’m not thin and yes I’m not trying to starve myself just to be thin. I asked my friends about this problem and they answered me with a question… “Baka kasi.. madalas ka bang kumakain mag isa?” Baka nga? …

1. Kumakain ako ng breakfast sa bahay mag isa kasi tulog pa sila, or kahit sa office kasi ako lang may 8am shift. 

2. Late ako kakain ng lunch minsan para lang may kasabay ako kahit gutom na ako.

3. Pag kakain ako ng dinner sa bahay, nakahiga na yung papa ko and wala sa bahay brothers ko.

Feeling ko, nasanay ako na inaantay ako ng Mama ko makauwi kasi sabay kami kumakain ng dinner dati dahil alam niyang may lame stories ako everyday. Siguro nga di pa ako nakaka adjust totally sa life na meron ako ngayon. Siguro namimiss ko lang mama ko. Siguro di pa kasi ako ung kagaya nung iba na strong independent woman. Lol ang labo mo kanesha, ang labo mo.

A year in Paradise 

It’s been exactly a year since my mom went home. God’s home actually. I know some of you were shocked na you wanted to ask me what really happened (because the odds just gave her 5 months to face that battle) but refused to ask because I might cry while telling you the reason why but really, it’s okay. You can ask me so I can share how brave my mom was.
So I made it (somehow). I’ve passed a year without me seeing her face, hearing her voice, feeling her touch and just me not having her here. Grief is like an inescapable maze. People around you will tell you to just accept things, be strong and forget, because it will make you decrease the pain you’re having faster but trust me ignoring the pain makes it worse. Just release everything. Cry if you feel like you have to. Shout or talk to someone (talk to God) if you feel like you needed to. Moving on means accepting things but always remember that accepting is way different than forgetting. You can move on while keeping the memory of the things you lost or the things that happened. It may also help you to be the stronger version of you. 

 

Waking up every day knowing that she’s gone is my worst enemy. It Feels like I’m trapped in a room. A room full of tears, a room full of questions, a room that has no music to listen to, a room that has no light to see and it feels suffocating. Tears won’t stop falling even if it feels like I have no tears to shed anymore. She used to sleep beside me days before she left. I can’t even describe how hard it is to pretend na I’m already asleep and cry on a silent mode whenever I hear her whisper “Pagod na ako, ayoko na” every night. She thought I’m already asleep but I’m not, and then next day she’ll pretend na she’s okay and tell everyone na she will fight and will never give up on fighting (syempre for us to feel better). Seeing my mom’s last breath is so painful, I used to describe my day as a nightmare. A nightmare where I wanted to wake up but I can’t because I don’t have to….because this is the reality. I have to live with it forever.

 

But I made it. I laugh, I smile. I am living my life on how it should be. I am repainting the faded rainbow I have with a smile on my face. Letting God, family and friends to re paint it with me while listening to the songs that saved me from my silent world. Thinking she’s happy, she’s free from the pain and she’s home helped me to be okay. It gave me so much hope and realized that I am not alone. Dealing with the loss of someone will always give us an unexplainable emotions. You just have to let it go and move forward but don’t force yourself. Trust me, It will take time. Grieving is always there to punch you but you’ll just have to find your way to survive from its conflicting and unexplainable feeling. Allow the grieving process. Allow yourself to be happy and embrace the life that has given to you. 

 

Hi Ma, it’s been a year. I love you and miss you every day. 💗🌻

 

 

My first love – Papa

Scary, Snob, serious and strict  – that’s how my friends describe you (first impression).

  Scary?  Kinda? Or Is it just because I am afraid to disappoint you. You are definitely not a snob, but your serious appearance makes you look like one. 100% strict but that’s how you discipline us and I am thankful for it.

I’ve been known as the most kill joy person (by my friends) that existed in this world. Why? Well, it’s just because whenever I have getaways with my friends I have to let him know days before the day of our getaway (you are not a real friend of mine if you don’t know this). He also have to know who I am with and where exactly the place of our getaway. He is actually the main reason why I have load. I have to let him know if I am on my way home or if I’ll extend hours for work and If I did extend my stay at the office, he will ask me why do I have to? and until what time I’ll be staying in the office.

I am not really the type of friend who is into “Biglaang-lakad“. It really depends.

He always insist of picking me up or giving me a ride even if it’s on my way to the office or attending parties.

When he stayed in GUAM, I still do ask permission whenever I go out with my friends.

Yup, welcome to my life..

How come you’re not a rebel?” tons of people asked me this… but why would I? Glad that I am not. I’m really used to how my life goes. That’s how they raised me (us). I am thankful for this kind of parenting style to be honest.

So thank you Papa for having you as my Father, for giving everything for us to live, for sacrificing just to have our needs, for your patience and learning, for always being at our side in this roller coaster ride we are in, for always putting us first (along with Mama) after God and for everything.

I just wish to find a man like you, your love for mama is so unconditional that made my standards high. You had doubts on taking job offers just to take care of her when she was ill because you wanted yourself to take care of her instead of seeing anyone to do that job you said its yours. That no huge amount of money can ever replace Mama

Words can’t describe how thankful and lucky I am to have you. I don’t know what am I going to do with myself If i don’t have you and Mama. Thank you Papa. I love you, always will.

 

 

 

A letter to the guy I almost Had

Dear You, 

   Hi, how are you? It’s been years, I know huh. It’s been years since that day where a text message from you changed everything. Funny how they still ask me some what ifs. Funny how they keep on telling me that our story would be an inspiring one. Funny because I keep on telling them to move on… to move on to the things that didn’t even happen.

I remember when someone asked me if I got mad at you? or If I am still mad at you..? I won’t lie, I did hated you years ago. I hated you for leaving, for leaving me with whys, what ifs and maybes. I hated you for promising that you’ll still be the same you and you’ll still be there for me. I hated you bigtime, because you didn’t. You acted the other way. It felt like I’m just a wall. It felt like I’m invisible. It felt like we’re strangers. I hated you so much for not telling me that I’m in a race where the first one who’ll reach the edge will win your heart and I hated myself years ago for praying and hoping that you’ll come back and realize that I am the one for you. I hated myself for imagining how happy my life would be if we’re together. I hated myself for having these illusions that I know eventually will stuck as my daydream.

Having those what if moments years ago, I wish I never met you. I wish I can recall and talk about love to others without me having ungrateful thoughts, what ifs, buts and maybes. I wish I can listen to some songs without me remembering you. I wish you’re not the only story I could tell. 

But No worries, that was me years ago.

So how did I moved forward? How did I moved forward to the things that didn’t even happen. I just reminded myself that God saved me. God saved me from an almost relationship where two different worlds are not meant to be collided. 

But still, thank you. Thank you for those moments we’ve had. Those laughter we’ve shared. I know, my story on your book has ended years ago so I’m sorry, I’m sorry for you will still be the story that I could tell to everyone. I’m sorry for there’s still no one after you. I wish our story on my book fades and replaced with a different one. A different story that has no ending.

 …..

 

Her on the clouds

Verse:

It’s been months since you went to His paradise 

I still hear the sound of your last breath

still remember those last words you said
Refrain:
Oh, i’m sorry if I may have let you down

I’m sorry for the times I made your face frown
Chorus:

Thank you for cheering me up

for telling me not to give up

Thank you for hearing my stories whether it’s lame, funny or it makes you worry.

It broke our hearts when we lost you

but I know you’ll be there watching us while you lay on the clouds.
Verse:

I still feel the warmth of your embrace

I still feel your hands intertwined in mine

still can paint and show the world the glow of your smile
(Repeat Refrain)

(Repeat Chorus)
Bridge:

You are the missing piece in my puzzle that no on can ever fits

I try to hide these tears when I hear your name

’cause the pain is always the same
(Repeat chorus)
I miss your laugh

I miss your smile

I miss your kiss 

and the times we watch movies together
You can rest now

’cause you’re an angel now

You can rest now

’cause you’re my angel now.
………………………………………..

I wrote a song for my mom who passed away last August 2016 due to lupus and pneumonia. It was very difficult not just for me but also for my family to live without seeing her presence anymore. But we always remind ourselves that even if we can’t see her we know that she’s here watching us and guiding us always.That she’s already up there, in her real home, with God and the other angels above. Happy Mother’s day Ma. I know that you already know how I love and miss you. ♥

Click the link for the audio: https://soundcloud.com/knyza/on-the-clouds-original

A letter to the guy I Admire for years now (Part 2)

Dear You,
As I scrolled back to our conversations, I just realized that It’s been months since the first time you randomly said Hi (virtually) that made my heart explode and yelled my heart out because you really see my existence in this world. I’m not really into having conversations with others for I am too lazy and suck at getting in touch with everyone but with you, i don’t want to end it. It’s like I can talk to you all day, all night 24/7. You didn’t made me regret having sleepless nights.

2016 has been a crazy year for me. You are one of the people who made me forget how lonely I am. For making me feel better by saying that we should be always okay after I told you that im okay (with me using the kahit papano words). For making me feel kilig by telling me that the one who will win my heart will be so lucky for I am way too different with the other girls. For telling me to stop being mean to myself. For you not getting fed up having lame conversations with me. For seeing my existence.

Until the day when Late night conversations with you has randomly ended. I wonder why things changed. It’s sucks when things change when I’m already used to it. Why is it always like this? That sometimes I just wish you didn’t said hi and see my existence. Thinking maybe, i really do suck at having conversation with people. So silly that I keep telling my friends that I am in a process of moving on to the things that didn’t even happened.

But still I wanted to say thank you, because being noticed by you really made me feel kilig and special even though it hurts to admit that things like these will pass and temporary for change is really constant. That things like these will remain as my illusions and daydreams and things I imagine are really impossible.

I somehow wish that the percentage of my feelings for you will decrease (for it’s been five years and counting) and your portion in my heart fades but I will not force myself to unlike you. I’ll just let the fate do it even if it kinda suck and amazing (at the same time) to be stuck in a box filled with you.

Yours truly,

Me

panandaliang kilig

Pinaramdam lang niya sayo kung paano kiligin.

Kaya matulog ka na

wag ka na magpuyat 

Wag ka na magpuyat kakahintay sa taong alam mong wala ka namang mapapala.

Sa taong susulpot tapos mawawala.

Kasi tapos na.. 

tapos na ang trabaho mong magbigay oras sakanya.

Kasi may kausap na siyang iba 

Kasi option ka lang niya kapag walang wala na siya

Kasi hindi ka na niya ulit kilala

Kasi tapos na ang trabaho niya na sanayin ka para sa huli hahanap hanapin mo siya

Nagwagi siya

Kasi hinanap mo siya

Hinanap mo ang taong alam mong di na muling magpapakita

Kaya Tanggapin mo na

Dapat sanay ka na

Na ganito ka

Na ikaw lamang ay isang suki ng panandaliang kilig.